by Brenna Jessie | Nov 29, 2018 | Uncategorised
Content warning: this is a powerful guest blog submitted by a woman who wishes to remain anonymous. It contains some swearing, and details of her experience of emotional abuse. Read with care.
I was once in love but I was in love with someone who didn’t know what love was, someone who was able to easily lie, cheat and manipulate to a level I’ve never seen before and hope to never see again.
When I say this is not just ‘fuck boy’ behaviour you either had to have been there, as some of my close friends reading this were, or just take my word for it. I used to bring home beer most nights in the hope it would have some positive effect on his mood, he would storm out of restaurants over the smallest things like I was taking too long to pay and he wanted to leave; scream at me that I was a cunt in the street for agreeing with him too much at an event we had attended; and when I stood up for myself (which I did) he would threaten to leave, go on solo drug binges and get his validation from any girl around him, then tell me I expected too much of him and how tortuous the life he had led before me was.
When I finally left he continued to manipulate me, posting pictures of me on social media, he cried his eyes out sitting two feet away from me telling me we would never find anything like what we had, the idea of dating other people made him ill, all the while he already had a holiday booked with a girl 15 years his junior and not much older than his niece.
It took me over a year to call what happened to me abuse, he never hit me but he systematically and expertly took apart each and every part of my mental well-being to the point that if he told me the grass was purple I would’ve believed him. I didn’t know then what gaslighting was; mental abuse; narcissism, these were all abstract terms that didn’t apply to me and rather than it being ‘over’ when I left, I was left totally empty, my adrenaline levels were completely out of whack, and I felt numb and completely unable to rebuild. I still have days when I question if any of this really happened, if I’m exaggerating the situation, maybe I did do something wrong and expected too much. I only got through it, and continue to do so, with therapy and some of the best friends anyone could wish for. I was lucky.
I wrote this because I never recognised this as abuse, I never thought I’d share this story beyond my inner circle but violence comes in many forms and mental abuse is abuse. I urge you if you recognise any of these behaviours or find yourself constantly covering up or lying about how things are in your relationship to seek help, talk to a friend and hopefully start the very long, slow, but oh so worth it road to recovery.
Thank you to everyone who turned up and continues to turn up. You know who you are.
At Scotland’s Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline we won’t put pressure on you, or tell you what to do. We know it isn’t always easy to pick up the phone. When you call the helpline, your call will be answered by fully trained call handlers who have lots of experience supporting people affected by domestic abuse and forced marriage.
You don’t need to know what to say, just know that we believe you, and we are here for you.
Call: 0800 027 1234 | Email: helpline@sdafmh.org.uk | Website: www.sdafmh.org.uk
by Brenna Jessie | Nov 8, 2018 | Uncategorised
One of the questions we’re most often asked is why women don’t just leave. It’s not meant to sound bad, but as well as taking the responsibility for the abuse away from the perpetrator, it implies leaving somehow easy. It isn’t. Not only is it often really, really hard, but it’s also the most dangerous time for women.
This is a blog written by a Call Handler on Scotland’s Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline. It’s a scenario based on collection of stories from helpline calls and we hope it makes readers stop and think before asking the question.
When Mum told me my sister was being abused by her husband, I didn’t understand what she meant. From the outside it looks like she has the perfect family, a great marriage. And then Mum told me what was going on behind closed doors.
Horrified I asked, ‘Why doesn’t she just leave?
Well, where would she go? She’s got no money, me and dad can’t afford a hotel or a new place for her, I wish we could. If she comes here, he’ll know and he’ll follow her, and if she leaves the kids with me and runs away…well, she just wouldn’t. And it’s his name on their lease, he made sure of that, I remember.
She told me not to, but I phoned the Council about housing and they said they could get her and the kids a B&B or something in the short-term but it could be anywhere. Seriously, anywhere. And anything longer would depend on so many things, like where’s best for the kids, what’s available and where, and how she’d pay for it all. But she’d have to call them or go in to see them, and she absolutely will not.
And it would be so hard to move the kids out of school and away from their friends. They’re doing so well, and I’m nearby which is handy for childcare and emergencies. She thinks she and the kids are safer where they are, because he said he’d never touch them, but if she leaves, she thinks he’ll follow her and hurt her, and he’ll get the kids whatever happens.
And he’s got so much control, it’s like she is scared to do anything. She’s not even allowed to buy anything at the shops unless he’s given permission. Even then he still has a go. And she won’t admit it, not properly. She told me stuff that he’s done and said, but when I try to talk to her about leaving or even speaking to someone about it, she makes a joke of it, or gets angry and just shuts down. I can’t force her. She’s had enough of being forced into things.
It’s hard enough just getting through each day. The idea of planning some great escape is way too much for her. He’s made her believe she’s useless and disgusting so she’s actually grateful that he claims to love her so much. But that’s not how you treat someone you love.
And because she’s still working and allowed – allowed! – to see me, she doesn’t see that she’s being controlled, or doesn’t want to see, even though she broke down yesterday and was pleading with me to help her. She hates herself, blames herself for not ‘being stronger’. She’s working so hard to keep the kids safe but it’s like she’s always walking on eggshells, she doesn’t know what will set him off. But this is her life and she has to live with it, that’s what she said.
And I can’t call the police because he’s a devious so-and-so. He’s had us fooled long enough and he’s well known in the town, she doesn’t think anyone will believe her. I mentioned the police and she freaked out. She wants him to stop, for things to go back to how they used to be, but she doesn’t want to call the police. She is scared it will ruin his life. She just wants it to stop.
‘Just leave?’ There’s no just about it.
At Scotland’s Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline we understand leaving isn’t an easy option. We know you might not want to, and we know it is not always safe to. We won’t judge you, or tell you what to do, we’re just here to listen.
Scotland’s Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline is open 24/7 on 0800 027 1234 for anyone affected by domestic abuse. Find out more at www.sdafmh.org.uk.
Image © Laura Dodsworth
