This blog is extracts from a powerful survivor testimony given to us by Laura. Laura experienced domestic abuse and was supported by her local Women’s Aid group in Scotland after she left her husband. Laura’s name has been changed, and other identifying factors have been removed, in order to protect her and her children. Thank you to Laura for sharing her story with us.
***CONTENT WARNING – This blog discusses domestic abuse, struggles with mental and physical ill-health and difficult experiences of the justice system. Read with care.***
Laura told us: “I had expected the end of my marriage to be the end of my abuse. And it wasn’t. In fact, despite my ex-husband having a new partner, his abuse of me ratcheted up: incessant need for control, relentless phone calls, legally worded emails designed to make me cower and fearful, gaslighting me and undermining my ability to be a single parent, accusations and persistent and outrageous smear campaigns.”
A tale of two systems
The power of believing women when they speak out about domestic abuse cannot be overestimated. All around us we see messages telling us that women are not to be believed, that they’re unreliable, over-emotional. These are all messages that are also conveyed to women through the coercive control they experience. None of these messages are true. What is true is that one in four women will experience domestic abuse in her lifetime. These messages telling them that they are not to be believed can often be reinforced, intentionally or otherwise, by various services and professionals, compounding the trauma of the abuse. Laura’s experience demonstrates the profound impact that this can have.
She says: “My experience of the police and of the justice system is a tale of two systems. One day, I found myself parked opposite the local police station on my way to work. I walked into reception and described the very tip of the iceberg of the ongoing harassment to the desk sergeant. I said I didn’t want to put anything on record, but I just needed to know for my own sanity that what was being done to me was wrong, that it was illegal. A year later, I walked back in, in another daze, and luckily the same sergeant was on duty and she remembered me. She helped me feel brave enough to speak with two of her colleagues who were wonderful.
“They believed me, the importance of which I cannot overemphasise for someone who had been conditioned to doubt and diminish everything. And they listened to me.”
“As for the justice system, my petition for divorce stated grounds of Unreasonable Behaviour and my ex did not contest this. There was my statement about years of unfathomable abuse, corroborated by a witness. This went to the court for rubber-stamping…and the sheriff rejected my application, stating that there was insufficient evidence that I had suffered abuse.”
“I want to make clear the impact this had on me, for it is the one time in all of this when I wanted to wade out into the sea, never to return. It was the single biggest act of abuse; that this man in his robes decided I was not to be believed. The sheriff’s action, or rather inaction, told me that I had not suffered enough, that it was not real, that all of my ex’s threats about how nobody would believe me were true. It told me that men in powerful positions can crush people like me, just because.
“It taught me that I was on my own and did not deserve to be treated humanely, that I was a silly little girl. I then had to make various Freedom of Information requests to access old case files to prove the history of abuse: a process deeply harrowing and re-traumatising in itself. I also had to suffer the further indignity of asking neighbours and friends if they would be prepared to go on record with what they had witnessed. I got my divorce.”
“I have assimilated all this, bled through it, but not given up. How can the judicial system allow this?”
Laura’s lawyer was great in helping her fight for her divorce, however she notes that he did not recognise the red flags of domestic abuse, highlighting the need for domestic abuse competent legal advice.
“My lawyer is the best I could have asked for and he helped me achieve my divorce. He was efficient and no-nonsense in his approach, avoiding courtroom fights and expenses. However, neither of us at the time knew the extent of the red flags or how my ex would respond, and so we were unprepared for the years of ongoing abuse that followed.”
Support and moving on
Laura first approached her local Women’s Aid group after she had left her ex-husband.
“Women’s Aid saved me because their default position is that they believe you and trust you.
“You don’t have to re-traumatise yourself by retelling them everything. He’d so conditioned me that I was worried I was mad. I thought that I was strong enough to cope by myself, but it became so overwhelming and relentless that I realised I had to ask for help for myself, and also for the children. Nobody could have tried harder and nobody could have tolerated more. And still it is not over. How much am I expected to endure? I am surrounded by friends and yet the isolation is total. I did not, and do not, deserve any of this. But, I continue. I have children. I have no choice.”
“I choose relentless, forward momentum, even when it feels like I’m tramping through mud with the heaviest of packs on my back. Because I cannot break.”
Help, advice and support is available for anyone experiencing the issues discussed in this blog post. Scotland’s Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline is available 24/7 on 0800 027 1234. You can also find details of your local Women’s Aid group here.
