Content warning: this blog contains descriptions of stalking and abuse. Please read with care – information on accessing help and support can be found at the bottom of this blog post.
In popular culture stalking is often portrayed as a scenario where a stranger becomes obsessed with a celebrity, or with someone else they don’t know, and begins following and watching them. It can be shown to be a ‘romantic’ behaviour, symptomatic of men just not giving up on women they want to be with – even if those women have already told them ‘no’. These are dangerous myths about stalking that do nothing to tackle the problem.
Stalking is not romantic – it’s about male sense of entitlement and control.
It very rarely involves strangers becoming obsessed with someone they don’t know; most victims know their stalker and in fact stalking very often starts in relationships. We know that most stalking happens in the context of domestic abuse, and happens both during a relationship and can continue after it has ended. It’s part of the pattern of domestic abuse and, like all gender-based violence, it’s a result of gender inequality
The experience of constant surveillance and monitoring is a familiar one to anyone affected by domestic abuse and the purpose of it is for an abuser to maintain control over their victim by letting them know they are being watched, and making sure they feel afraid. Yet another tool of coercive control – to experience stalking is to live in constant fear.
From the outside, some of the behaviours typical of stalking can seem caring, or even attentive: he constantly calls her at work, messages and texts her relentlessly though the day, turns up repeatedly and unexpectedly to drive her home from social events, or leaves flowers and gifts on her door step. Abusers will be very manipulative in portraying their behaviour as innocent But in the context of domestic abuse, these are behaviours intentionally carried out by the perpetrator to overwhelm the victim, to constantly keep them on edge, and to limit their freedom.
We know that these surveillance and monitoring behaviours don’t end when a relationship ends – indeed they can sometimes ramp up. Abusive men will try to trace, follow, intimidate and harass partners and ex-partners even to the very locations that women and their children are trying to escape to. This is why the addresses of refuges are kept secret and why Women’s Aid services take so much care in helping women with safety planning.
Friends and neighbours can be unwittingly used to gather information and even children are not safe from this abusive behaviour as perpetrators have no qualms about using children to monitor women’s movements. Technology, from use of tracking devices on cars, installing monitoring software on a woman, or child’s phone or laptop, to cyber and social media abuse has also helped to make stalking easier, providing perpetrators with new and innovative ways to monitor, control and harass their partners or ex-partners.
In Scotland, stalking is a course of conduct crime – an incident that happens two or more times, and places another person in a state of fear or alarm. This means that those things like phoning or texting you a lot, or leaving unwanted gifts, or showing up at your home, office or children’s school which might not otherwise be criminal behaviours, may become criminal when they happen twice or more and when they cause you to feel afraid.
We know that COVID-19 and associated lockdown measures have offered abusers increased opportunities for surveillance and monitoring, and that the past year has been incredibly difficult for women living with stalking and abuse. If you are experiencing this and you want support, we are here for you.
Scotland’s Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline is available 24/7 on 0800 027 1234 or via email and web chat at www.sdafmh.org.uk. You can also reach out to your local Women’s Aid service – our 36 expert services across Scotland have decades of experience in supporting women and children who have experienced stalking from abusive partners or ex-partners, and they can help you with practical, safety planning and emotional support. If you do want to report your experiences to the police, we can also offer support around that.
