This blog post is extracts from a powerful survivor testimony given to us by Zara, who experienced domestic abuse, sexual violence and honour-based abuse. She was supported by a local Women’s Aid group in Scotland. Zara’s name has been changed, and other identifying factors have been removed, in order to protect her. Her story is one of thousands across the country.
***CONTENT WARNING – This blog post discusses sexual violence, domestic abuse, stalking and honour-based abuse. Read with care***
Zara moved around the UK more than six times to get away from her ex-husband. A network of his family and other connections has made it hard for her to make an independent life for herself after serious physical, sexual and honour-based abuse. However, she says she is getting there.
Zara says that three major incidents, among a whole litany of abuse, were particularly devastating.
Sexual assault
Zara said “After he sexually assaulted me, I had to get surgery. I lost three quarters of my blood…It was only when I went for NHS counselling, many years later, when I talked about what I remembered, they checked my record. They saw that there was a completely different story on my medical record: his account not mine. The sexual assault had been devastating and, at the time, when I was unconscious, the hospital took his and his family’s word for it: that it was an accident. He and his family removed me from hospital only a few hours after I’d been admitted. He told me later that that was so they couldn’t ask me any more questions about what had happened.”
Attempted murder
Zara continued “After years of abuse, and thinking that it was my fault, he tried to kill me in front of my son. That’s what made me leave in the end. Before that, he’d always taken me upstairs if he was going to hurt me. That time, he did it in front of my son, and my son saw what his dad did to me. I had to get away from him for his protection. His dad was threatening to kill me and kill him too.
Continued terror and stalking
“But getting away didn’t stop the abuse. He found me and then sent a couple of guys wielding weapons threatening me at work. His intention was to terrorise me so I couldn’t pursue my career. And he succeeded that time as I had to move again, several hundred miles away, in order to keep safe.
“Since moving to where I am now, he found me again and hacked my emails and my social media in his attempt to harm me. I managed to find a place to rent through an online site. What I didn’t realise is that he was able to track what I was doing…I came home one day to find wedding pictures, pictures of me and my son, and a copy of the Quran arranged on the floor along with one of my necklaces. These were all items I’d left behind. He’d come into the flat with them and done that. The meaning was clear: I was his wife, he could come into my home whenever he wanted and I was expected to reconcile.”
Getting help
For a long time, Zara didn’t approach anyone for help. She believed what she was told: that she deserved the abuse and that she’d lose her children. After Zara sought support she had to see six lawyers before she managed to get a divorce and she struggled with the justice system and child contact issues.
The support of Women’s Aid and mental health professionals helped Zara to understand and come to terms with what happened, and give her some sense of control within the context of no control.
She says “Counselling helped with offloading and in turn feeling safe, that someone knows all the facts in the event I was killed. When you talk to a professional, you know you’re not being judged. They also help you talk about all the issues that you kept inside for some time. It helped me a lot with understanding what is not in my control and what I can do.”
Despite a series of mini-strokes, being in constant pain and suffering migraines, anxiety and panic attacks as a result of her experience, Zara is living an independent life, doing a law degree and setting up a business.
She says “I’ve bought a car, fixed up my house and set up my office. I’ve put a sofa in the office so if I’m in pain, I can rest. I’m building a future based on what’s happened to me and breaking free from the control. I’ve got support. I feel safe.”
Help, advice and support is available for anyone experiencing the issues discussed in this blog post. Scotland’s Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline is available 24/7 on 0800 027 1234. Rape Crisis Scotland’s helpline is available between 6pm and midnight everyday on 08088 01 03 02. You can find details of your local Women’s Aid group here, and your local Rape Crisis centre here.
