Scottish Women’s Aid’s campaign for 16 Days of Activism Against Gender-Based Violence 2022 is looking at the many costs that women face – emotional, financial and otherwise – if they leave abusers. This poem is by an anonymous member of our Survivor Group who has contributed as part of that campaign. We thank her for her contribution.
Content warning: domestic abuse, emotional turmoil. Read with care.
—
I Grieve For That Girl
It’s been so long
I can’t remember
What
I ever looked like before
Blonde, red, brunette or
Long, short, with bangs
Somewhere in the midst of it
Blows from ugly hands
A dazzling, diamond silhouette
Now broken on the floor
Lying burst and crazy
Screams for evermore
Hopes dashed, dreams gone
I grieve for that girl
Sparkling eyes and flashing smiles
Her energy it shines
Now twisted into something new
And what, I can’t define
Lost among the catacombs
Of old, horrendous crimes
Scarred through wrathful battles
When none were even mine
In this silent Hell of mirrors
Dozens in my home
I watch uneasy from afar
For close I cannot roam
Can you see me treading quietly?
I grieve for that girl
Lines of sore experience
Compounded with regret
Even more the lines unspoken
We have never met
But indeed, you do know me
In this fearful place I dwell
My lonely, chasmed head and
Heart, a sorrow-dripping well
So how do I apologise?
For all that’s said and done
For all the pain ’twas brought me
For all the hurt and scorn
Yet it does fall to me, somehow
I grieve for that girl
Caught in swirling hails of hatred
And toxic acid rain
Lies so foul and cruel, I fear
I will never break the chain
Meantime, I keep on praying
Calling to the earth
Asking for salvation
An ending to this dearth
Thus I hide from all the mirrors
And try to shirk the pain
Each night I hope to just wake up
And see the sun again
Can you help me?
While I grieve for that girl.
—
If anything mentioned in this poem resonates with you, Scotland’s Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline is available 24/7 for support and advice. You can call free on 0800 027 1234 or email and web chat at www.sdafmh.org.uk. The Helpline is for anyone, of any gender or sexuality, who wants to discuss their experiences – even if it’s something that happened in the past. People who are worried about someone else can also call for confidential advice and support. You can also find your local Women’s Aid service here.
