Blog post by an anonymous member of our Survivor Group. We thank her for sharing her experiences here.
Content warning: domestic abuse, coercive control. Please read with care and note the support available at the bottom of this post.
Throughout the year, from Valentine’s Day to Christmas and every ‘special’ occasion in between, we are brainwashed by the world of advertising into believing that we should feel bad if we don’t have a partner. I can remember from an early age thinking I was inadequate because I didn’t get an oversized card through my letter box on Valentine’s Day (in my teens, the bigger the card the more love was attached!). As I grew older, I realised that occasions like these are some of the best opportunities for retailers. And of course, not all consumers have the best intentions – some are manipulators.
I’ve had many relationships where I’ve finished things with someone who I wasn’t quite sure about only to be wooed by a dozen red roses and words of love. The pressures of being conditioned to ‘forgive and forget’ didn’t help and before I knew it I was back in an unhealthy relationship. This is love bombing at its finest.
Love bombing usually begins at the very early stages of a relationship, so its often quite difficult to spot because you don’t know this person very well. So we are stuck in a Catch 22 situation – you don’t know them, but the only way to know them is to get to know them. Sound familiar?
So how do we know the difference between generosity and love bombing?
It’s not always easy to see at first, because their gestures are meant to disarm you, to blow you away. But there is a difference between a caring person and a love bomber.
In an unhealthy relationship a love bomber might:
- Shower you with outrageously expensive gifts
- Say ‘I love you’ really early on in the relationship
- Promise you huge commitments early on (that you aren’t ready for) and expect the same from you
- Ask you to move in with them when you hardly know each other
- Be possessive
- Not respect your boundaries
- Pay you excessive amounts of attention – whether you want it or not
- Want you to spend all of your time with them and only them
When this happened to me I really didn’t see it coming. Victims of this kind of manipulation might at first be overwhelmed and this can be one of the reasons they become involved with a love bomber. Looking back now I can see how it happened. I was vulnerable, I felt flattered, I hadn’t experienced anything like the amount of love and affection that this person gave me. Then, I began to feel uncomfortable because the attention I was receiving from them came at a cost. He wanted to know where I was day and night, he was possessive and I lost the freedom to do day to day things.
Friends and family saw him as a great guy who was willing to commit to me and show his love for me by all the expensive gifts he gave me. Only I knew what was behind all the lavish show.
Love bombing wasn’t recognised as a form of control then. I wish the information that is around now was around then. I would have taken note. So if this is you and you need more information, find a source of knowledge that you trust – and trust your gut. If it doesn’t feel right, it isn’t right.
If anything mentioned in this blog post resonates with you, Scotland’s Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline is available 24/7 for support and advice. You can call free on 0800 027 1234 or email and web chat at www.sdafmh.org.uk. The Helpline is for anyone, of any gender or sexual orientation, who wants to discuss their experiences – even if it’s something that happened in the past. People who are worried about someone else can also call for confidential advice and support. You can also find your local Women’s Aid service here.
