Scottish Women’s Aid’s campaign for 16 Days of Activism Against Gender-Based Violence 2022 is looking at the impact that the cost of living crisis is having on women and children experiencing domestic abuse and the many costs that women face – financial, emotional and otherwise – if they leave abusers. This poem is by an anonymous member of our Survivor Group who has contributed as part of that campaign. We thank her for sharing her thoughts and experiences here.
Content warning: Domestic abuse, poverty, emotional turmoil. Read with care.
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No Going Back
Two sets of arms, one big, one small, wrapped around tight to each other, just because
Two pairs of feet, one on the floor, one dangling from the bed, both still with the shoes they arrived in, not ready for slippers yet
Two faces that look alike, one tear-stained, the other drawn, both tired, four identical eyes staring into the space,
Two mouths, tightly closed, not able to tell yet, the bigger of the two is accustomed to the silence, the smaller one just hours ago stunned shut
One carrier bag, with too many socks and not enough pyjama bottoms, with Calpol but no hairbrush
One handbag, with two passports, but no birth certificates, and a set of keys she won’t need any more
One purse with seven pounds forty, a Sainsburys card, and a very old photo from a photo booth
One phone, with no credit, no data, switched off, to stop the relentless pain of it all, protecting the smaller ears from any more
No toys, no books, no blanket, no clothes, no favourite stuff
No familiarity, no knowingness, no school, no grandparents
No smell of her house, no familiar sounds that get her off to sleep, no favourite cup
No idea how she will replace them, no ‘new for old’ because these are treasures she can’t give her again. No way to compensate
No way to explain right now, no story to make things better, no sweetie bribes are enough
No more eggshells to tread on, no more keeping small to keep you both safe, no more endurance
No going back.
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If anything mentioned in this poem resonates with you, Scotland’s Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline is available 24/7 for support and advice. You can call free on 0800 027 1234 or email and web chat at www.sdafmh.org.uk. The Helpline is for anyone, of any gender or sexuality, who wants to discuss their experiences – even if it’s something that happened in the past. People who are worried about someone else can also call for confidential advice and support. You can also find your local Women’s Aid service here.
