Scottish Women’s Aid’s campaign for 16 Days of Activism Against Gender-Based Violence 2022 is looking at the impact that the cost of living crisis is having on women and children experiencing domestic abuse and the many costs that women face – financial, emotional and otherwise – if they leave abusers. This blog post is by an anonymous member of our Survivor Group who has contributed as part of that campaign. We thank her for sharing her thoughts and experiences here.
Content warning: Domestic abuse, poverty, mentions of suicide, threat to life, emotional turmoil. Read with care.
Reasons I stayed in an abusive relationship.
If I had a penny for every time someone said to me “Why do you put up with him?” I’d be a rich woman.
I spent most of my adult life with abusive partners and I didn’t know why. I thought there must be something wrong with me. More than one friend had said to me “You know how to pick them, don’t you?”. But that wasn’t really true – in hindsight I think they knew how to pick me.
A few years ago, during the aftermath of another violent outburst where I needed to call the police, I tried to decide whether to stay or go. I wrote a list. I found that list the other week. To be honest, I couldn’t remember writing it. I hardly recognised the woman who wrote that list, because I was so stuck that I couldn’t really think for myself any more. There were things on it that anyone might expect.
- I don’t want my daughter to be without her Dad.
- I work part-time – how can we live without his money?
- Where will we live?
Okay, so these are the most obvious barriers to leaving him, probably echoed by most women who have children. Many women I’ve spoken with have stayed with abusive partners for those reasons – they need a roof over their head and they couldn’t see a way round balancing childcare and work. I’m not dismissing these – they are for another blog.
I did find a solution to these problems and although it was hard, my daughter and I were much happier.
So, I was expecting practical things to be on this list, but as I got further down the list more reasons came out. No. 5 on the list was he says he’ll change. After many violent outbursts he would often return, tail between his legs, and beg forgiveness. This would be backed up by the story that he’d seen the error of his ways, he knew his behaviour was unacceptable and he would find help so this would never happen again. I would fall for this because the acting skills would be Oscar-worthy and the idea of him seeking help was what I wanted most. This gave me hope. I knew his behaviour wasn’t healthy.
He never did look for help.
Another reason I stayed was No. 7 on the list – I’m the only one who can fix this. During these ‘returning with tail between legs’ times he would tell me that I was the only one who could help him. Apparently, I was the only person he knew who could solve his problems for this. I believed this. In fact, when I look back this was one of the things that attracted me to him. The moody, mean looking guy had a different side when he was with me.
This was bullshit! He was mean and moody out of choice. I didn’t soothe that out of him. If I had been able to do that the abuse would have finished at the first lashing out! He was the only one would could choose his behaviour. That wasn’t my responsibility.
No. 8 was you can’t survive without him. This one was really hard to shake off. Because women earn less than men (for many unfair reasons) he convinced me that I would never earn enough to live without him. He convinced me that I wasn’t good enough to get a well paying job and for years I believed it. There were other ways he persuaded me that I couldn’t live without him. He thought his parenting skills were second to none and would often belittle me and override any decisions I made in front of my daughter. He hold me that I wouldn’t be able to parent without him.
Now, I know that wasn’t true, because time has shown that I’ve managed perfectly well without him.
No. 9 was I can’t just abandon him! This even came with an exclamation mark. I must’ve felt really strongly about this one at the time. As well as believing I couldn’t manage life without him, I also imagined him falling apart without me. He would tell me he would commit suicide if I left him and said that he could never love anyone else.
When I eventually left with my daughter, he pretended to commit suicide then two weeks later moved in with someone else. This ‘I can’t live without you’ story was just that – a story.
The final one on the list was really chilling and as I read it I remembered all the fear and anxiety attached to it. It read No. 10 He’ll kill me if I leave. I think I’d read somewhere that the most dangerous time for a woman in a violent relationship is the time when she leaves her abuser. I now know that that is true and back then I could feel it with every fibre of my being. He told me often – when all the other persuasion didn’t work, he would turn nasty again and threaten me.
To fully believe that someone will take steps to end your life is terrifying. It was something that kept me there, frozen with fear, but it was also the thing that one day triggered me into leaving. It was terrifying, but still the best decision I’ve made.
I’m glad I found the list. If you are reading this and you’re stuck, please remember that you are not alone. Your list may have many more reasons than mine and your situation is probably different, and complicated. But if you were to find your list in ten years time and you were living a life where you could make your own choices and have peace in your own home, I wonder what you would think.
I wish you all the best.
If anything mentioned in this blog post resonates with you, Scotland’s Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline is available 24/7 for support and advice. You can call free on 0800 027 1234 or email and web chat at www.sdafmh.org.uk. The Helpline is for anyone, of any gender or sexuality, who wants to discuss their experiences – even if it’s something that happened in the past. People who are worried about someone else can also call for confidential advice and support. You can also find your local Women’s Aid service here.
