This blog is extracts from a powerful survivor testimony given to us by Sam. Sam and his siblings witnessed their father abusing their mother and he has shared with us the impact of coercive control on his life. Sam, his mother and his siblings were supported by a local Women’s Aid group in Scotland. Their names, and other identifying factors, have been removed in order to protect them.
***CONTENT WARNING – This blog post discusses domestic abuse, animal abuse, anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts. Read with care.***
Sam was ten when things came to a head at home and he, his mother and his three siblings had to leave and stay elsewhere. He says that leaving so suddenly came after years of living with uncertainty, not being sure what was happening or why.
“One of the big things was my dog. I really wanted a dog and when I got it, I loved it…When we all [mum and dad and siblings] moved to a bigger house, my mum told me the dog couldn’t come with us because the garden fence had too many holes and it could escape. But it wasn’t that. I found out much later that my dad had been kicking the dog and mum was trying to protect it and me, and she arranged for someone else to look after it. It really upset me at the time. It was such a loss.”
Sam says he understands now that his mum was trying to protect everyone and doing her best, but that a lot went unsaid. He says:
“I think mothers often feel bad about what’s happening, responsible, like they should have left. But it’s not their fault. And children feel like it’s something they have done. For our family, we were all thinking the same things, but just not speaking about it together.”
When Sam and his mum and siblings left, his dad’s abuse seemed more obvious because his mum couldn’t hide it in the same way.
“We weren’t seeing him but we knew that he was watching us all the time. He left his mark: he put sand in the petrol tank of mum’s car; he spray painted it and when we cleaned that off, he took a knife and scratched it the whole way round so we couldn’t clean it up; he sent texts to mum saying ‘next time I see you I’m going to kill you and I’m going to kill the kids’; he threatened to burn the house down with us in it; he gave us no money despite Child Support Agency instructions. We were anxious all the time; very stressed; he’d show up at the door as he knew where we were staying.”
Sam continued “It’s taken forever to get over what’s happened and what my dad did to me and the rest of us. Well, I’m not over it, but I have a place for it and when I do think about it, it’s hard but not as prominent. So much has happened to me because of the choices that my dad made. I developed a lot of mental health problems: anxiety; depression; couldn’t sleep; was hallucinating; I would jump the second I heard a noise; panic attacks; fibromyalgia. I was suicidal. I have seen Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services for several years now: a psychiatrist, a psychologist and psychotherapist and I have got through it – I am now discharged.”
Sam says that Women’s Aid helped the children in many different ways. He says “When me and my siblings saw the Women’s Aid Children’s Worker it was really helpful. We went together and we talked to her…We knew our mum was going through a lot and was trying her best and trying to get to college and we didn’t feel we could talk to her as we didn’t want to upset her. But we could talk to the children’s worker and that was really helpful for me as I was the oldest and I worried a lot about the younger ones. When I knew they were talking to her it meant I didn’t worry about them so much.”
Sam says that he felt responsible in the family.
“It feels weird now to say it but it feels like I was the other parent to the younger ones because they looked to me and also my mum spoke to me more because I was the oldest. I feel like I had to grow up more quickly. But having the children’s worker meant I had someone to talk to and I could go back home and not have to think about it so much.”
“Also, money was tight: mum couldn’t work for a long time and dad gave us nothing…Women’s Aid also helped us get things for the new house. It was a lovely house but it didn’t feel right. Women’s Aid helped us make it feel like a home.”
Sam is now at university and has shared his views on domestic abuse with the Children’s Commissioner and with the First Minister. He has a message for other young people in the same situation he was:
“It’s not your fault. It gets better.”
Help, advice and support is available for anyone experiencing the issues discussed in this blog post. Scotland’s Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline is available 24/7 on 0800 027 1234. You can also find details of your local Women’s Aid group here.
