If you’re reading this, the chances are that you are concerned about someone you know. You might know they are experiencing domestic abuse or forced marriage, or be worried that they could be. It can be hard to know how best to support someone you care about, and this can leave you feeling stuck: worried about them, but unsure if or how you can support them. It can be easy to feel that there is nothing you can do – or the opposite – that you need to take immediate action to help.
Everyone’s situation is different, but below are some general principles for supporting someone who is experiencing or at risk of domestic abuse or forced marriage.
- If you’re not sure what’s happening, ask
It’s best not to make assumptions about what is happening, but to talk to the person that you’re concerned about privately, if at all possible. We understand that this can in itself be difficult, and that part of the reason you’re concerned may be that you have been unable to talk to them alone for a while.
If you get a chance to talk, it can be good to approach the conversation from a place of concern for them (rather than criticism of their partner). One way to approach it can be to mention any changes that you have noticed in them:
“I’m worried about you, you seem distant/ nervous/ less confident recently. How have things been? Has anything happened that you want to talk about?”
It can seem like a small thing, but opening up a conversation, giving the person space to talk, and reminding them that you care can be a powerful thing to do – especially if the person you’re talking to may be dealing with constant criticism from the abuser.
- Listen non-judgementally, and give reassurance
This might seem like an obvious one, but listening is crucial. It’s important not to minimise what they are saying (“all couples argue”), or to blame them for what is happening. Questions like “why don’t you leave?” or “why did you go back?” can make the person in question feel like they have done something wrong, when in reality the only person responsible for abuse is the person who is being abusive. Instead of these closed questions, try to ask open questions such as “what would you like to happen?”, and be guided by their answers.
It’s also important to reassure the person that they have done the right thing in talking about this. It can take a lot of courage to talk openly about abuse, and we often hear from victim/survivors that it has taken months or years to talk to someone about what they are going through. This can be for many reasons: safety concerns (for example threats that the abuse will get worse if they tell anyone); not knowing whether what is happening is abuse; fear that telling someone will lead to a specific outcome e.g. police or social work becoming involved; feelings of embarrassment or self-blame; previous bad experiences of telling someone; not wanting to be a ‘burden’.
- Check in with them regularly, if possible
Once someone has started to talk to you about abuse, one of the most useful things you can do is to keep the lines of communication open, as far as possible. Again, it is best to be led by them in terms of how/when to talk – this might be when they are at work, while their partner is out, while walking the dog, etc. If they think that their phone/computer are being monitored, consider options e.g. whether they could save your name under a pseudonym in their phone, giving them a spare/cheap phone that the abuser does not know about, or communicating on a work phone number/email if they have one.
- Empower the person to make their own choices
It can be normal to want the person you’re worried about to do something specific, e.g. to leave, or to phone the police. However, it is almost always* best to let them make any decisions about what happens next (if anything). They know their situation better than anyone else, and will be best-placed to assess the risks and potential benefits of any decision. We know that the time when someone leaves an abusive partner, or the period soon after they leave, is often a time of increased risk of harm for them – there are many reasons why someone may not want or be able to leave, even if these can be hard to understand from the outside.
* If someone is in immediate, life-changing danger, it is best to phone the police on 999.
- Gather information
One of the most useful things that you can do to support someone is to gather information on things they’re unsure about. This could be around their legal options – e.g. whether there is a way to have an abusive partner removed, or what can be done to prevent a forced marriage taking place – or around places that they can get more support (see below). Gathering this kind of information can be helpful as it both takes the burden of doing so away from the person experiencing abuse (at a time when they are likely to be exhausted and overwhelmed with managing their day-to-day situation) and it can be safer for them if for example their search history is being monitored.
- Help with safety planning
Safety planning can be as simple as agreeing a code word or timeframe for checking in, and what to do if they use the code word or you don’t hear from them within that timeframe. This will depend on what’s normal for both of you – for example if you would normally hear from them once a day, you could agree that if you haven’t heard within X amount of time you will take a certain action (checking on them if safe to, telling someone else, phoning the police).
If the person is thinking of leaving, it can be helpful to offer to keep things for them in case: you can offer to keep some spare clothes, copies of important documents, etc., so that they know you have these if they decide to flee at short notice.
There is detailed information about safety planning on our information pages, including advice for staying as safe as possible while living with an abuser, safety planning for leaving an abusive partner, and safety planning for anyone at risk of forced marriage either in the UK or abroad.
- Encourage them to seek professional support
Finally, an important thing that you can do is to encourage the person to get more support put in place. Our callers often tell us that they first heard about our service from friends or family, and that this is what prompted them to get in touch. It can be useful simply to let them know that they deserve support, and that there are services who are there to support them. You can find information about these and a range of other support services on our ‘Who Else Can Help?’ page.
We hope this information will be helpful – if you would like to talk any of this through, or get confidential advice on things like how to talk to someone about domestic abuse or forced marriage, what support they might need, and what you could do or avoid doing in order to support them, you can contact us at any time by phone, email, or web chat.
If you feel scared of your partner or if you are worried about someone you know, get in touch with Scotland’s 24 hour Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline on 0800 027 1234 email helpline@sdafmh.org.uk or visit sdafmh.org.uk.
