If you walk through any city centre at this time of year, you’ll notice that everything is red and heart shaped. Advertisers know how to appeal to our senses, and the shops are bursting with delicious chocolates, fine perfumes, soft cuddly teddy bears holding hearts, romantic music and, of course, colourful deep red greeting cards filled with words of love. There’s no escape online either. The pressure is on to show our love by gifts.
The act of gift giving can be traced back to ancient cave dwellers and it was thought that gifts were given to strengthen social connections. Most of us give gifts to make the one receiving the gift feel good. After all it’s the thought that counts, we tell ourselves. But what if the thought behind a gift is sinister? What happens when gift giving becomes love bombing? The Oxford Dictionary describes the term love bombing as ‘The action or practice of lavishing someone with attention or affection, especially in order to influence or manipulate them’.
Of course, there’s no harm in giving affection and attention. Most of us humans love it! Love bombing is different though. The person doing the love bombing has a motive – to gain control over their ‘target’. It often happens quickly, and we can be quite surprised by it, maybe even flattered. Women I’ve spoken with who have been at the receiving end of love bombing have described it as a slightly uncomfortable feeling, that the gift or the gesture is a ‘bit too much, too soon’. Like the woman I heard of who was flown to Paris on a second date because a man wanted her to commit to a relationship with him. A woman I interviewed who arrived at work to find twelve bouquets of flowers from her abusive ex-partner told me that this gesture made her feel ‘an overwhelming pressure to communicate with him’.
The motive behind love bombing is to gain control, to have the upper hand, to make the person feel like they owe something in return. Women I’ve spoken with told me about things a love bomber expects in return – things including loyalty, sex, commitment, and the same amount of affection and attention showered on them even if it was at the early stages of the relationship. They said being love bombed made them feel like the relationship wasn’t equal, that they were less than their partner. Of the women I’ve spoken with who have ended a relationship with an abusive man, they all told me how they felt particularly vulnerable to love bombing on Valentine’s Day. Perpetrators of Domestic Abuse, who are master manipulators, will often attempt to rekindle a relationship on Valentine’s Day. So, what do we do to shield ourselves from love bombing? The women I talked with were kind enough to share tactics they had used.
- Don’t engage with the person, you don’t need to respond if this person is someone you don’t want to communicate with.
- Don’t agree to commit to something you don’t want to – remember you don’t owe them anything just because they’ve bought you a gift.
- Remember your worth. You have the right to refuse any unwanted attention, even on February 14th.
- Remember the intention behind the gift. If it’s love bombing, it isn’t love; it’s an attempt at control.
This Valentine’s Day, remember to love yourself.
