by womensaidscot17 | Dec 12, 2023 | Uncategorised
For Them All poem marking the end of 16 Days of Activism 2023
Written by members of the Survivor Reference Group at Scottish Women’s Aid
Extended version
For the women who we knew and loved
For the children that never got the chance to play nosily and without fear
For my friend, who loved to sing
For my auntie, who gave the best advice
For all the women who’ve had to walk on eggshells
For all the families that were torn apart by a man’s violent actions
For the young woman who dreamed of being a teacher
For the older woman, who wasn’t allowed to leave the house alone
For the wee boy, who tried to protect his mum
For the wee girl, who grew up thinking love meant loud voices and angry faces
For the women who deserved better
For the women we no longer have with us but will never forget
For the little girl who still thinks she was the problem
For the little boy who wants to be a policeman so he can lock his dad up
For the mum in the school playground with her brave face
For my friend, who doesn’t know she deserves much better
For the grandmas, who have served a life sentence
For the women who had trusted and whose trust was broken
For the women who were not believed
For the girl who kept having nightmares of losing her mum
For the mothers stuck in child custody cases for years
For the children whose mum was not there at bedtime
For the boys who were told their mum did not care about them
For the mothers who tried to protect their children
For the women who had thought they were marrying a companion
For the women who were hated
For the women who found they were not loved
For the women who were made out to be weak and stupid
For the little girls punished by their fathers
For the children made to stand alone in the dark
For the children who were hit
For the children who were ignored when they wept
For all the pain and all the hurt we will not be silenced
For all the women we will hold the line and campaign against male violence
For them all
by womensaidscot17 | Oct 3, 2023 | Uncategorised
Got 10 seconds? Text us.
Scotland’s Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline exists for anyone who is experiencing domestic abuse or forced marriage. But we know not everyone is safe to call us by phone. That’s why we’re adding a text chat service to our line-up of ways you can reach out to us.
Originally, the Helpline was available by phone or email. In 2020, we added our web chat service, which reaches 300 people every month – that’s over a quarter of the people who contact us. Not being overheard is a major reason people reach out by web chat. But because web chat needs a good internet connection and enough safe time to spend with our staff, it doesn’t work for everyone.
Imagine a woman – let’s call her Olivia. Olivia’s partner controls her movements, telling her where she can go and who she can see. He locks her phone away in a drawer when she is at home, so Olivia only has access to her phone when she is at work or on errands. She has been wanting to reach out for help, but only has short moments in the day when she can talk privately.
Now imagine Elsie, 80 years old, living in the Highlands. She wants to get away from the husband who has been abusing her for the last 50 years, but she has no internet and relies on her old Nokia phone to talk to people. She would like to call us, but worries about being overheard.
So, what do you do if you only have a few seconds of safety? And what do you do if you don’t have reliable internet access?
These were the questions that we asked when we approached the National Lottery for funding for an SMS and WhatsApp service.
And the National Lottery thought these were excellent questions and funded us for three years to find the best answers.
We started by talking to our service users – the people who know the most about what is safe and convenient in a domestic abuse or forced marriage situation. We surveyed previous callers to the Helpline, with guidance and direction from the Scottish Women’s Aid Survivor Reference Group.
A text service needs to be quick and easy, they said. It should be staffed by experts and, most of all, it must be safe.
For experts, we are already covered. All of our call handlers are specially trained.
The same people who staff our phones, email and webchat will be operating the new SMS/WhatsApp service.
Our information, advice and empathy are exactly the same, whichever way you choose to contact us.
And if you need a quick and easy reply, an SMS or WhatsApp message takes seconds to write and send, and we will receive it instantly.
That’s the beauty of text.
If Olivia only has a few seconds while she is at the till in the shop, she can drop us a message and get a reply the next time it is safe for her to look at her phone.
And you don’t need to have the internet to talk to us on SMS. Elsie’s phone will work, as will any that can make calls.
Safety is our priority. When you send us a message, the following things will happen:
- You will get an automatic reply, to let you know we’ve received the message. That reply will also include instructions about deleting our messages quickly if you need to.
- We will only ever send you one message at a time, and then wait for you to reply. If you do not reply, we will never send a follow-up message, just in case it isn’t safe.
- You can tell us when it is safe to send you messages, and we will only ever send you replies at those times.
- Our phone number shows as a random mobile number on both SMS and WhatsApp. You can name it anything you want in your phone – “Jane”, “Dog Sitter” or “Mum”.
- On WhatsApp, the conversation will not appear on any bills. On SMS, the number will be listed as the generic mobile number on itemised bills.
- You can tell us to stop sending you messages at any time. You are in control of the flow of messages.
- WhatsApp is encrypted. There is no way for anyone who does not have access to your passwords to see your conversation with us.
Because of the popularity of WhatsApp among younger people, we also consulted with young people who have experienced abuse.
As with older people, safety was paramount for them. From an SMS/WhatsApp service, they wanted:
- Emotional support
- Accurate information about domestic abuse and forced marriage
- Links and signposts of where to go for more information or support
We already provide these forms of support through our other channels, and we can’t wait to bring our skills to a new medium. This is an exciting new chapter in the life of Scotland’s Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline. Through our new SMS/WhatsApp service, we hope to help more people experiencing domestic abuse and forced marriage than ever before.
by womensaidscot17 | Jun 13, 2023 | Uncategorised
This poem was written by a member of the SWA staff team after a woman was jailed for 28 months after using abortion pills to end her own pregnancy. Abortion is healthcare, and we need urgent reform so that women can freely access the choices that are safest for them.
You’re outraged?
I’m enraged.
When will our bodies be our own without the interference of others hands, thoughts and rules?
Consumed with this fury I want to climb to the roof and scream until I feel my vocal cords pop
I want to rally my sisters
To scream together, cry, roar, brandish our teeth
You think you know female rage? You know nothing.
I want us to move as one
Bodies holding each other up as we climb the walls of that prison
Tearing through metal and stone
Retrieving our sister
Carrying her to a place of safety, understanding, love.
How dare you imprison her.
How dare you give her longer than men who hurt, abuse and kill us.
How dare you give her a sentence at all.
When you imprison one, you imprison us all
We will not forget.
#AbortionIsHealthcare
Access to abortion care safely and freely is vital for all women – especially women experiencing domestic abuse, for whom forced pregnancy is often a reality.
If you are looking for support around domestic abuse, please contact Scotland’s Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline on 0800 027 1234 or email and web chat at www.sdafmh.org.uk
by womensaidscot17 | Apr 24, 2023 | Uncategorised
How many times have you read about a ‘spurned’ or ‘jilted’ lover in a newspaper headline about domestic abuse?
The answer is probably many times – maybe even too many to count.
It may be a commonly used phrase but that doesn’t change the fact that it is one which has absolutely no place in responsible reporting of violence against women.
It’s a loaded term, which minimises the behaviour of the perpetrator and attributes blame on the victim.
The many myths and misconceptions that we see in the portrayal of domestic abuse in across our media can negatively impact the public’s understanding of it.
Today marks the beginning of Stalking Awareness Week.
Stalking is an offence that is also misunderstood, not helped by the often cartoonish way it is portrayed in our media and popular culture.
These portrayals lend themselves to images of a stranger hidden in the shadows or a man with binoculars crouching behind a bush.
In reality, most stalking happens within the context of domestic abuse, from an abusive partner or ex-partner.
Domestic abuse is a gendered crime that is rooted in women’s inequality, and so, while anybody can be a victim of stalking, like domestic abuse, it is also an issue that predominantly affects women.
It is a pattern of behaviour that can destroy the victim’s quality of life and sense of wellbeing and safety.
The tactics used by stalkers are many and varied.
Stalking can include digital or in-person surveillance, persistent text-based contact, sending unwanted gifts or post to the victim’s address, following them when they are out or lurking near their home.
To outsiders looking in, the insidious nature of these behaviours can often be overlooked.
Too often, they are seen as harmless – or worse – romantic.
We should be in no doubt: there is nothing romantic about stalking.
Stalking in a pattern of persistent behaviour designed to cause fear and alarm.
Being sent flowers by somebody who loves you and treats you with kindness and respect feels great.
Being sent flowers by somebody you are fearful of feels intrusive and threatening.
Stalking is a criminal offense and there is never an excuse for it.
If you are worried that your abusive partner or ex-partner is stalking you, it can be difficult to know where to turn. We believe you. And we are here to support you, whenever you need us.
Scotland’s Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline is available 24/7 on 0800 027 1234 or via email and web chat at www.sdafmh.org.uk. You can also reach out to your local Women’s Aid service – our expert services across Scotland have decades of experience in supporting women and children who have experienced stalking from abusive partners or ex-partners, and they can help you with practical, safety planning and emotional support. If you do want to report your experiences to the police, we can also offer support around that.
by womensaidscot17 | Apr 11, 2023 | Uncategorised
Blog post by an anonymous member of our Survivor Group. We thank her for sharing her thoughts here.
Content warning: suicide, suicidal ideation, domestic abuse, coercive control. Please read with care and note the support available at the bottom of this post.
When all the blame falls on you, it can be hard to see any way forward. And when options are limited, so are choices. For some people, this is where suicidal ideation creeps in. The sense that no one understands, no one cares and no one can really help. Thus, what is the point? And what better way to stop the hurt than to finally end it? Suddenly, suicide seems like a valid option.
It isn’t just about violence or abuse or control. It isn’t just the gaslighting or smearing. It is a festering wound compounded by everyone who questions your reality. Everyone who has even the smallest shred of doubt and suggests maybe you are just wrong or incompetent or lying. In the face of domestic abuse it is easy for others to take the middle ground. “What if?” “Why?” “That can’t be right?” “But he said….”
One of the biggest issues facing victims is not just garnering strength to voice and report (and relive) the many horrors they have faced, but also the low likelihood of being believed and the niggling voice of blame, especially from those in authority. “There is no crime.” “You should have…” “You can’t…..” “Just ignore him.”
Let’s put this narrative to bed.
When a victim comes forward with information about an abuser we need to shift the power paradigm immediately by understanding coercive and manipulative behaviours. We need to look at the whole picture and the underlying pattern of gender-based violence.
According to Agenda Alliance, around 27% of women will experience intimate partner violence during their lifetime. And in the UK one woman will be killed by a man every three days (*1). Most often, this is a current or previous partner whose control has come under threat. When we look at stalking events, where there is a credible threat of harm combined with previous relationship history, one in two cases (50%) will end in murder (*2). We know the dangers. We know the risks. Femicide is a global epidemic and it continues to escalate. We are ‘Counting Dead Women’ (kareningalasmith.com) while we busy ourselves campaigning for legal and policy change.
But we are missing the big picture. There is a silent, insidious link between female suicides and domestic abuse. In 2004, Professor Sylvia Walby first suggested that 1 in 8 suicides were directly linked to domestic abuse (*3), and this number is significantly higher for victims of sexual assault. Indeed, a 2018 study in partnership with Refuge (*4) found that 24% of domestic abuse victims reported feeling suicidal, with 18% making further plans to act on this. This may be directly attributable to ongoing abuse from a specific perpetrator or it may arise from contributing factors such as reduced access to finance, housing, family support, employment or the constant stress of court and legal battles. All just to try and stay safe.
Indeed, research has shown emotional abuse and coercive control are highly correlated in suicidal ideation and these are often the least obvious signs of domestic abuse (*5). In 2021, Women’s Aid published a literature review drawing on earlier academic studies which highlighted the importance of viewing suicide and self-harm as “a rational response to violence and brutality, rather than a mental illness” (*6) and citing that the poor mental health of “those living in DVA situations should be regarded as symptoms of the abuse.” (*7)
Thankfully, many academics and professionals have campaigned to highlight the fatal risks of domestic abuse, including Professor Jane Monckton-Smith, who created the Homicide Timeline and Suicide Timeline models, and Laura Richards who established the Domestic Abuse Stalking Harassment and Honour Based Violence (DASH) risk assessment tool.
But where does someone turn when it all becomes too much? Jess Southgate, deputy Chief Executive of Agenda Alliance, notes “when a women presents to services in suicidal distress it is likely that she’s a victim of domestic abuse.” (
The Guardian, 22/2/23)
The tragic case of Justine Reece, who died by suicide in 2017, set a legal precedent linking domestic abuse and suicide, with Michael Chambers QC stating to the perpetrator “She [died by suicide] as a direct result of your sustained and determined criminal actions, actions which you clearly knew were having a profound effect upon her.” (
The Guardian, 28/7/17)
We need service providers to acknowledge the link between domestic abuse trauma and suicide, and to plan accordingly. To effectively support victims or signpost them to specialist care. The latest data from the Scottish Public Health Observatory for 2021 shows 188 women died by suicide (2020, n230). If we can agree that a fair precentage of these fatalities are related to domestic abuse, then we really need to include better support mechanisms in service planning.
Undoubtedly, one of the best aids we can offer is peer support. Talking really does help. And using the right language, devoid of victim blaming, is imperative. Offering compassion and companionship can make a huge different to someone with complex trauma.
Programmes such as ASIST and SafeTalk can help navigate how to have those difficult conversations and expose underlying issues. Ask direct questions. Listen. Be supportive.
Scottish Women’s Aid offers online awareness raising training on the links between domestic abuse and suicide, encouraging partner agencies to consider this aspect in service delivery. We are also currently working with the Scottish Government and partners to develop a model of domestic abuse killing reviews that is robust and fit for purpose. We want to see this include women (and children) who have died by suicide so that services and systems can learn how to prevent future deaths and perpetrators can be made visible and accountable. In 2022 Scottish Women’s Aid, in partnership with our Survivor Reference Group, started an annual vigil during the 16 Days of Activism campaign to honour those lost to domestic homicide and suicide. It’s a small token, but we won’t forget all the women who came before us and we will keep raising awareness and fighting for justice.
As Professor Monckton-Smith points out, failures in the system are failing our women – “Opportunities for intervention, risk assessment and prevention have been fatally missed.” (
The Guardian, 27/2/22). This highlights that we ALL have a duty to diminish the statistics around domestic abuse suicide and to improve outcomes for those impacted by domestic abuse trauma. This starts with raising awareness and understanding. Please spread the word.
—
References
- Femicide Census, www.femicidecensus.org
- Laura Richards on Grizzly True Crime,; https://www.youtube.com/live/p5C61QLRB5o?feature=share @38.43
- Walby. (2004). The Cost of Domestic Violence. Available online at: https://eprints.lancs.ac.uk/id/eprint/55255/1/cost_of_dv_report_sept04.pdf
- Aitken, R & Munro, V. (2018). Domestic abuse and suicide : exploring the links with refuge’s client base and work force. London ; University of Warwick, School of Law: Refuge.
- Wolford-Clevenger C, Grigorian H, Brem MJ, Florimbio AR, Elmquist J, & Stuart GL. (2017). Associations of Emotional Abuse Types with Suicide Ideation among Dating Couples. J Aggress Maltreat Trauma.26(9):1042-1054. doi: 10.1080/10926771.2017.1335821. Epub 2017 Jun 23. PMID: 29081647; PMCID: PMC5658049.
- Chantler (2003) in Thiara, RK & Harrison, C. (2021). Reframing the Links: Black and minoritised women, domestic violence and abuse, and mental health – A Review of the Literature. Bristol: Women’s Aid.
- Humphreys, C & Thiara, R. (2003). Mental Health and Domestic Violence: I Call It Symptoms of Abuse. British Journal of Social Work, 33, 209-226. http://dx.doi.org/10.1093/bjsw/33.2.209
If you, or someone you know, is affected by any of the issues raised in this blog post, the following organisations can offer assistance.
If anything mentioned in this blog post resonates with you, Scotland’s Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline is available 24/7 for support and advice. You can call free on 0800 027 1234 or email and web chat at www.sdafmh.org.uk. The Helpline is for anyone, of any gender or sexual orientation, who wants to discuss their experiences – even if it’s something that happened in the past. People who are worried about someone else can also call for confidential advice and support. You can also find your local Women’s Aid service here.
The Samaritans are available on 116 123, Action Against Stalking are on 0800 820 2427 and EmilyTest, who work on GBV in education, have resources available at www.emilytest.co.uk
