by womensaidscot17 | Mar 27, 2023 | Uncategorised
This blog post was written by a worker at Monklands Women’s Aid. Names and specifics have been changed to preserve anonymity. Monklands Women’s Aid has provided expert support to women and children experiencing domestic abuse for over 40 years. Their trusted relationship with the local community, as well as the sensitive, specialist approach their staff take, means they can provide person-centered holistic services to women and children, underpinned by a feminist analysis of domestic abuse.
CW: This post talks about domestic abuse and the impact of this on women and children. Please read with care and note the support services listed at the end of this post.
8.50am – I arrive at work, switch on my work mobile and check my diary for my meetings for that day. As it’s Wednesday, we have our staff meeting to plan for the duty tasks required, do handovers and update on any new allocated cases.
9.10am – I receive a call from a woman – Ailsa – on the office line requiring advice and guidance so I spend some time going through our administrative protocols. During the call, the information Ailsa shares indicates that she is at high risk so I think it is in her best interest to offer her a face-to-face emergency appointment so we can complete a formal risk assessment and subsequent individual support and safety plan. Due to a prior booked appointment cancelling, I am able to offer Ailsa an appointment for 10.30am.
In the meantime, I make calls to two women who are living in refuge to undertake general welfare checks and catch-ups. Then I head to a pre-arranged in-house appointment with a woman. Following her individual support and safety plan, and using tools from the Own My Life Course, which is a therapeutic approach we use at Monklands Women’s Aid, we spend some time unpicking the dynamics of domestic abuse before I head back to the office.
10.30am – Ailsa arrives at the office, understandably extremely anxious and so I offer her a refreshment and make her feel welcome. I explain who Monklands Women’s Aid are and what we can offer to support her. We discuss levels of confidentiality and the legal duties we have, as well as safeguarding mechanisms.
I begin to gather more detailed information to add to the basic details gathered during our phone conversation. Ailsa explains that she has a seven-year-old son – James – who she is trying to protect but is finding that he is increasingly upset at what is going on at home. I go on to complete a risk assessment with her and it becomes clear that it is unsafe for her to return to her home.
I check our refuge availability and find that we are full, so I talk Ailsa through other short-term, safe accommodation options, in the hopes that within the next week a space will then come up in our refuge. In the immediate term she feels safe to live with her mother and she is keen to find accommodation solutions that don’t involve too far a move so that James’s schooling is not impacted, with a view to coming into refuge as soon as a space becomes available.
During the appointment I offer emotional support and reassurance. We also explore her understanding of domestic abuse, coercion, power and control. I emphasise our belief in the trauma she has endured and that our trauma responsive services are here to support her and her son, both with our resources and by advocating for access via our partnership activities. Together we speak about what she feels she needs to increase her safety and reduce the risk posed to herself and James. We discuss the options available to her and her chosen services, which I record in her individual support and safety plan. These include:
- Outreach in the short term with a view to accessing refuge when a space becomes available
- Monklands Women’s Aid and Citizens Advice Bureau legal surgeries
- Emotional, practical and one-to-one support
- Group work (Own My Life structured therapeutic programme)
- Monklands Women’s Aid Children’s Services for James
- Advocacy with social work, housing and education
This support and safety plan will be reviewed in six weeks – sooner if required. We will revisit her situation, as well as her risk, and respond accordingly, changing supports if necessary.
Due to Ailsa’s level of concern regarding the impact the domestic abuse is having on James, she is eager for him to access our children’s services as soon as possible. She says that she has discussed supports with him in the past and he wanted to engage. I begin the internal referral protocols and I take the opportunity to ask one of my children’s service colleagues if she can come in and have a quick chat about what we can offer James.
The children’s worker completes the required documents and gains appropriate consents there and then. We agree that we will contact James’s school, who we have an established relationship with, and set up the support in school the following week. If he chooses, he will also have access to our youth group and outings.
I arrange a follow-up appointment with Ailsa for next week and in the meantime we will will make the discussed external referrals to housing, legal surgery and school.
After Ailsa leaves, I make sure that our computer case records are fully up to date and appropriate electronic versions of risk assessments and safety plans are saved. It’s now 2pm and time for a brief break.
2.30pm – When I return I progress the associated external referrals for legal surgeries and multi-agency risk assessment conference (MARAC). MARAC is a meeting where information is shared on the highest risk domestic abuse cases between representatives of local police, probation, health, child protection, housing practitioners, ourselves and other specialists. I make a point of debriefing with my children’s services colleague to ensure we align the support packages for Ailsa and James.
I contact the local authority housing department to advocate for emergency accommodation for Ailsa, with a view to her moving into refuge when space becomes available. I then complete a homeless application and speak to housing colleagues over the phone to ensure we are able to optimise shared resources to meet both Ailsa and James’s specific needs for alternative accommodation.
3.30pm – I contact some other women on my caseload to confirm appointments for tomorrow and send a group text to the Own My Life Group confirming their attendance tomorrow. I catch up on my emails, replying to partner agencies and sharing information for upcoming meetings. I also email a food bank referral for collection on their next available slot. I make sure my paperwork and computer system is up to date before I finish for the day.
If you are experiencing domestic abuse, or you are worried about someone you know, Scotland’s Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline is available 24/7 to offer information and support. You can call on 0800 027 1234 or email and web chat at www.sdafmh.org.uk. There are 34 local Women’s Aid groups across Scotland offering the kinds of specialist support and services mentioned above. You can find your nearest Women’s Aid here.
by womensaidscot17 | Mar 14, 2023 | Uncategorised
Blog post by an anonymous member of our Survivor Group. We thank her for sharing her experiences here.
Content warning: domestic abuse, coercive control. Please read with care and note the support available at the bottom of this post.
Throughout the year, from Valentine’s Day to Christmas and every ‘special’ occasion in between, we are brainwashed by the world of advertising into believing that we should feel bad if we don’t have a partner. I can remember from an early age thinking I was inadequate because I didn’t get an oversized card through my letter box on Valentine’s Day (in my teens, the bigger the card the more love was attached!). As I grew older, I realised that occasions like these are some of the best opportunities for retailers. And of course, not all consumers have the best intentions – some are manipulators.
I’ve had many relationships where I’ve finished things with someone who I wasn’t quite sure about only to be wooed by a dozen red roses and words of love. The pressures of being conditioned to ‘forgive and forget’ didn’t help and before I knew it I was back in an unhealthy relationship. This is love bombing at its finest.
Love bombing usually begins at the very early stages of a relationship, so its often quite difficult to spot because you don’t know this person very well. So we are stuck in a Catch 22 situation – you don’t know them, but the only way to know them is to get to know them. Sound familiar?
So how do we know the difference between generosity and love bombing?
It’s not always easy to see at first, because their gestures are meant to disarm you, to blow you away. But there is a difference between a caring person and a love bomber.
In an unhealthy relationship a love bomber might:
- Shower you with outrageously expensive gifts
- Say ‘I love you’ really early on in the relationship
- Promise you huge commitments early on (that you aren’t ready for) and expect the same from you
- Ask you to move in with them when you hardly know each other
- Be possessive
- Not respect your boundaries
- Pay you excessive amounts of attention – whether you want it or not
- Want you to spend all of your time with them and only them
When this happened to me I really didn’t see it coming. Victims of this kind of manipulation might at first be overwhelmed and this can be one of the reasons they become involved with a love bomber. Looking back now I can see how it happened. I was vulnerable, I felt flattered, I hadn’t experienced anything like the amount of love and affection that this person gave me. Then, I began to feel uncomfortable because the attention I was receiving from them came at a cost. He wanted to know where I was day and night, he was possessive and I lost the freedom to do day to day things.
Friends and family saw him as a great guy who was willing to commit to me and show his love for me by all the expensive gifts he gave me. Only I knew what was behind all the lavish show.
Love bombing wasn’t recognised as a form of control then. I wish the information that is around now was around then. I would have taken note. So if this is you and you need more information, find a source of knowledge that you trust – and trust your gut. If it doesn’t feel right, it isn’t right.
If anything mentioned in this blog post resonates with you, Scotland’s Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline is available 24/7 for support and advice. You can call free on 0800 027 1234 or email and web chat at www.sdafmh.org.uk. The Helpline is for anyone, of any gender or sexual orientation, who wants to discuss their experiences – even if it’s something that happened in the past. People who are worried about someone else can also call for confidential advice and support. You can also find your local Women’s Aid service here.
by womensaidscot17 | Dec 6, 2022 | Uncategorised
Scottish Women’s Aid’s campaign for 16 Days of Activism Against Gender-Based Violence 2022 is looking at the impact that the cost of living crisis is having on women and children experiencing domestic abuse and the many costs that women face – financial, emotional and otherwise – if they leave abusers. This blog post is by an anonymous member of our Survivor Group who has contributed as part of that campaign. We thank her for sharing her thoughts and experiences here.
Content warning: Domestic abuse, poverty, mentions of suicide, threat to life, emotional turmoil. Read with care.
Reasons I stayed in an abusive relationship.
If I had a penny for every time someone said to me “Why do you put up with him?” I’d be a rich woman.
I spent most of my adult life with abusive partners and I didn’t know why. I thought there must be something wrong with me. More than one friend had said to me “You know how to pick them, don’t you?”. But that wasn’t really true – in hindsight I think they knew how to pick me.
A few years ago, during the aftermath of another violent outburst where I needed to call the police, I tried to decide whether to stay or go. I wrote a list. I found that list the other week. To be honest, I couldn’t remember writing it. I hardly recognised the woman who wrote that list, because I was so stuck that I couldn’t really think for myself any more. There were things on it that anyone might expect.
- I don’t want my daughter to be without her Dad.
- I work part-time – how can we live without his money?
- Where will we live?
Okay, so these are the most obvious barriers to leaving him, probably echoed by most women who have children. Many women I’ve spoken with have stayed with abusive partners for those reasons – they need a roof over their head and they couldn’t see a way round balancing childcare and work. I’m not dismissing these – they are for another blog.
I did find a solution to these problems and although it was hard, my daughter and I were much happier.
So, I was expecting practical things to be on this list, but as I got further down the list more reasons came out. No. 5 on the list was he says he’ll change. After many violent outbursts he would often return, tail between his legs, and beg forgiveness. This would be backed up by the story that he’d seen the error of his ways, he knew his behaviour was unacceptable and he would find help so this would never happen again. I would fall for this because the acting skills would be Oscar-worthy and the idea of him seeking help was what I wanted most. This gave me hope. I knew his behaviour wasn’t healthy.
He never did look for help.
Another reason I stayed was No. 7 on the list – I’m the only one who can fix this. During these ‘returning with tail between legs’ times he would tell me that I was the only one who could help him. Apparently, I was the only person he knew who could solve his problems for this. I believed this. In fact, when I look back this was one of the things that attracted me to him. The moody, mean looking guy had a different side when he was with me.
This was bullshit! He was mean and moody out of choice. I didn’t soothe that out of him. If I had been able to do that the abuse would have finished at the first lashing out! He was the only one would could choose his behaviour. That wasn’t my responsibility.
No. 8 was you can’t survive without him. This one was really hard to shake off. Because women earn less than men (for many unfair reasons) he convinced me that I would never earn enough to live without him. He convinced me that I wasn’t good enough to get a well paying job and for years I believed it. There were other ways he persuaded me that I couldn’t live without him. He thought his parenting skills were second to none and would often belittle me and override any decisions I made in front of my daughter. He hold me that I wouldn’t be able to parent without him.
Now, I know that wasn’t true, because time has shown that I’ve managed perfectly well without him.
No. 9 was I can’t just abandon him! This even came with an exclamation mark. I must’ve felt really strongly about this one at the time. As well as believing I couldn’t manage life without him, I also imagined him falling apart without me. He would tell me he would commit suicide if I left him and said that he could never love anyone else.
When I eventually left with my daughter, he pretended to commit suicide then two weeks later moved in with someone else. This ‘I can’t live without you’ story was just that – a story.
The final one on the list was really chilling and as I read it I remembered all the fear and anxiety attached to it. It read No. 10 He’ll kill me if I leave. I think I’d read somewhere that the most dangerous time for a woman in a violent relationship is the time when she leaves her abuser. I now know that that is true and back then I could feel it with every fibre of my being. He told me often – when all the other persuasion didn’t work, he would turn nasty again and threaten me.
To fully believe that someone will take steps to end your life is terrifying. It was something that kept me there, frozen with fear, but it was also the thing that one day triggered me into leaving. It was terrifying, but still the best decision I’ve made.
I’m glad I found the list. If you are reading this and you’re stuck, please remember that you are not alone. Your list may have many more reasons than mine and your situation is probably different, and complicated. But if you were to find your list in ten years time and you were living a life where you could make your own choices and have peace in your own home, I wonder what you would think.
I wish you all the best.
If anything mentioned in this blog post resonates with you, Scotland’s Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline is available 24/7 for support and advice. You can call free on 0800 027 1234 or email and web chat at www.sdafmh.org.uk. The Helpline is for anyone, of any gender or sexuality, who wants to discuss their experiences – even if it’s something that happened in the past. People who are worried about someone else can also call for confidential advice and support. You can also find your local Women’s Aid service here.
by womensaidscot17 | Dec 2, 2022 | Uncategorised
Scottish Women’s Aid’s campaign for 16 Days of Activism Against Gender-Based Violence 2022 is looking at the many costs that women face – emotional, financial and otherwise – if they leave abusers. This poem is by an anonymous member of our Survivor Group who has contributed as part of that campaign. We thank her for her contribution.
Content warning: domestic abuse, emotional turmoil. Read with care.
—
I Grieve For That Girl
It’s been so long
I can’t remember
What
I ever looked like before
Blonde, red, brunette or
Long, short, with bangs
Somewhere in the midst of it
Blows from ugly hands
A dazzling, diamond silhouette
Now broken on the floor
Lying burst and crazy
Screams for evermore
Hopes dashed, dreams gone
I grieve for that girl
Sparkling eyes and flashing smiles
Her energy it shines
Now twisted into something new
And what, I can’t define
Lost among the catacombs
Of old, horrendous crimes
Scarred through wrathful battles
When none were even mine
In this silent Hell of mirrors
Dozens in my home
I watch uneasy from afar
For close I cannot roam
Can you see me treading quietly?
I grieve for that girl
Lines of sore experience
Compounded with regret
Even more the lines unspoken
We have never met
But indeed, you do know me
In this fearful place I dwell
My lonely, chasmed head and
Heart, a sorrow-dripping well
So how do I apologise?
For all that’s said and done
For all the pain ’twas brought me
For all the hurt and scorn
Yet it does fall to me, somehow
I grieve for that girl
Caught in swirling hails of hatred
And toxic acid rain
Lies so foul and cruel, I fear
I will never break the chain
Meantime, I keep on praying
Calling to the earth
Asking for salvation
An ending to this dearth
Thus I hide from all the mirrors
And try to shirk the pain
Each night I hope to just wake up
And see the sun again
Can you help me?
While I grieve for that girl.
—
If anything mentioned in this poem resonates with you, Scotland’s Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline is available 24/7 for support and advice. You can call free on 0800 027 1234 or email and web chat at www.sdafmh.org.uk. The Helpline is for anyone, of any gender or sexuality, who wants to discuss their experiences – even if it’s something that happened in the past. People who are worried about someone else can also call for confidential advice and support. You can also find your local Women’s Aid service here.
by womensaidscot17 | Nov 29, 2022 | Uncategorised
Scottish Women’s Aid’s campaign for 16 Days of Activism Against Gender-Based Violence 2022 is looking at the impact that the cost of living crisis is having on women and children experiencing domestic abuse and the many costs that women face – financial, emotional and otherwise – if they leave abusers. This poem is by an anonymous member of our Survivor Group who has contributed as part of that campaign. We thank her for sharing her thoughts and experiences here.
Content warning: Domestic abuse, poverty, emotional turmoil. Read with care.
—
No Going Back
Two sets of arms, one big, one small, wrapped around tight to each other, just because
Two pairs of feet, one on the floor, one dangling from the bed, both still with the shoes they arrived in, not ready for slippers yet
Two faces that look alike, one tear-stained, the other drawn, both tired, four identical eyes staring into the space,
Two mouths, tightly closed, not able to tell yet, the bigger of the two is accustomed to the silence, the smaller one just hours ago stunned shut
One carrier bag, with too many socks and not enough pyjama bottoms, with Calpol but no hairbrush
One handbag, with two passports, but no birth certificates, and a set of keys she won’t need any more
One purse with seven pounds forty, a Sainsburys card, and a very old photo from a photo booth
One phone, with no credit, no data, switched off, to stop the relentless pain of it all, protecting the smaller ears from any more
No toys, no books, no blanket, no clothes, no favourite stuff
No familiarity, no knowingness, no school, no grandparents
No smell of her house, no familiar sounds that get her off to sleep, no favourite cup
No idea how she will replace them, no ‘new for old’ because these are treasures she can’t give her again. No way to compensate
No way to explain right now, no story to make things better, no sweetie bribes are enough
No more eggshells to tread on, no more keeping small to keep you both safe, no more endurance
No going back.
—
If anything mentioned in this poem resonates with you, Scotland’s Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline is available 24/7 for support and advice. You can call free on 0800 027 1234 or email and web chat at www.sdafmh.org.uk. The Helpline is for anyone, of any gender or sexuality, who wants to discuss their experiences – even if it’s something that happened in the past. People who are worried about someone else can also call for confidential advice and support. You can also find your local Women’s Aid service here.
